Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
