2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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