i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
