Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
