Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
