God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
