life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
