If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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