My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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