Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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