i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
