The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
