I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
whose parrot is this?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
