Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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