When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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