Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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