i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
