Can i not drive my cunt home
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
