Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
