I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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