Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
