Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
