We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
