i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
