sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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