Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
