There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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