Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
