i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
