Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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