and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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