the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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