You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
