i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
