I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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