I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
