she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
