I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
