I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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