Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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