Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
