He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
