Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
