oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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