So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
