My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
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The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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