I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
