My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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