Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
