The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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