Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
