my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??