I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge