I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
