Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
