I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
