My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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