last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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