I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
