I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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