Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
